I don't wish to sound patronising or sound like I am telling you what to do.
I have friends who have tried to do the right thing all their lives and are now thinking that might have been a mistake.
I am an athiest too and think what if there is no heaven and hell or an afterlife, that death is darkness and nothing... everything you are becomes rotting meat in a grave or a small pile of ash.
Sometimes I think by taking the right path, the good path, that I have missed out on a more interesting path.
I have always been interested in military weapons and equipment but I had learned enough about war by the time I was 18 to know war is not "fun" and it is not fair. Friends and innocent people will get killed and often to no purpose and at the end of it the people you are supposed to be doing it for might not approve of the war you risked your life fighting. Soldiers often get the blame for the wars created by politicians.
It is really about choices. We want to make good choices but often we learn more and potentially gain more by making what appear to be the wrong choices.
Life is a gamble, look at the potential gains and the potential for loss.
A game known in the west as Russian roulette is a good example where risking death for excitement is clearly the act of a desperate man. The irony is that the main Russian sidearm that was a revolver was the Nagant Gas Seal revolver of 1895 didn't have a cylinder that could be spun around like a roulette wheel so playing Russian roulette you would actually need an American style revolver to play. (Another fact against Russian roulette being a real Russian game is that the Nagant revolver has 7 chambers for rounds whereas Russian roulette is supposed to offer a one in six chance of death).
I'll shut up now, but would like to wish you the best of luck.
My religion says even atheists are noble; you have proven that